Spilled Wine

Sitting down to dinner with one of my favorite clients in a fancy Italian restaurant, I was really enjoying the conversation.  We'd just been served the first course; fresh, delicious endive salad for me, Caesar salad for her.  The only very minor complaint I could have made was that the table next to us (where a couple was celebrating their anniversary) was so close, a casual observer would have surely mistaken us for a party of four.  

 

The waiter, no rookie, was negotiating the tight quarters just fine,until returning fron the bar to deliver a glass of red wine to our neighbor's table, he tipped the tray ever-so-slightly, spraying the entire glass on my brand new light blue Armani suit.  It was the first time I had worn it.  I would tell you what it cost but my husband and I have a don't ask, don't tell policy in our house about that sort of thing and he reads this column.

The wait staff whirled into action.  A second water whisked away my jacket to apply red wine remover. The manager apologized profusely, offering to send it to the dry cleaner or let me take it home to my own; if the stains weren't removed to my satisfaction he explained, they would replace it.  When it was time for the check, dinner was on them. I left and drove home with a nasty red stain on my jacket and a smile on my face.  Never once through the entire ordeal did I feel the slightest bit angry, even annoyed.  

This is not always my M,O.  I am not always so patient.  In fact, the very next morning I wanted to kill somebody when I walked into a room where 8 or 9 people were just standing around looking at each other, helplessly.  The chairs for our event were set up all wrong and we were ten minutes to Wapner - when our guests would be arriving.  Everyone skeemed, well, paralyzed.  My blood pressure was through the roof and I don't even have high blood pressure.  (Believe me I didn't keep my thoughts to myself.)

In fairness, there was a lot of niscommunication and I was responsible for some of that.  And we were working with hotel staff, people we hadn't met ten minutes before that.  Having said that...in the context of leadership...

I think what drives a lot of my clients crazy isn't the problem.  It's the paralysis.  You want people to spring into action and get it done.  Why don't they?  Frankly, it's on you as the leader.  If you haven't made sure people know what to do and empowered them to do it, you're going to get chaos.

That restaurant won me over, because they didn't stand around staring at each other, blaming each other, or wondering what to do.  They all knew their parts and played them like a symphony.  Hiring the right people is the first step; giving them experience and setting expectations about how to deal with problems is the rest.  

BTW still waiting for the jacket to come back from the cleaners.

Can You Change Someone's Mind About You?

I’ll never forget the call I got a few years ago from a delightful former client who I hadn’t seen in a couple of years. Going back a ways, her company had hired me to coach her.  She had just been promoted but things weren’t going that well.  She loved the work, but the feedback was she wasn't that effective.  People doubted whether she was ready to lead.  

When I interviewed people for her 360 Feedback Report, it turned out this negative view was primarily held by one executive senior to her.  You know how people sometimes imagine that a person dislikes them, and the reality is nowhere near as bad as the perception?  Well, that wasn’t the case here.  He really didn’t like her.  What was interesting was that they didn’t even work in the same office.  They rarely saw each other.  His bad-mouthing was based on a a few limited interactions.   

Haven’t we all been there?  How did this happen?  Someone she barely knew had the potential to make or break her career there.

She could have ignored it.  She decided not to.  She set up a meeting and went in with a small goal—to seek his advice.  Her plan was to figure out what was on his business agenda, and become a partner on a project that was meaningful to him.  

It worked.  She was invited to work on a project.  Total turnaround. He became a fan.  It wasn’t any one interaction.  It was a series of small wins over time with that guy.  Eventually she built a whole network of relationships this way.  She always went out of her way to go talk to people, figure out their agenda, and become a partner whenever she could.    

By the way, that call?  She had just been promoted to head one of the company's national divisions.   

Over years I’ve noticed something that separates the best from the rest when it comes to influential relationships.  It isn't just knowing that you need to understand other people's point of view.  It is the willingness to do it.  To get up out of your chair, make an effort, find out what's on their mind, and work with them whenever you can.  We know we are supposed to do this.  We just don't always do it.  

You don't always get off on the right foot with people.  But you can change opinions.  In fact, you can't afford not to know how to change someone's mind about you.  

Standing on Your Head

A friend of mine was embarking on a reorganization of her division.  Most of her leadership team was on board with the change.  Three were not.  And they weren't quiet about it.  They thought it was a mistake and they considered themselves the company's True North.  The ones who owned the culture and the people.  Whose jobs were to protect and defend.

"I've spent a lot of time hoping they will come around to the same conclusion I have" said my friend. "The industry has changed and we absolutely have to do it.  What do I have to do, stand on my head?"  

Well, yes, in fact, you do.  In a manner of speaking.

 

Look, we all know a leader who has had a tough time getting the team on board.  Wait, let me think... yes... that would be... every single business leader I know.

The first time you say anything about making a change, half the people in the room don't even really hear it.  Or, perhaps, process what that would mean. The second time you say it, it may register for more, and they'll get it.  However, a certain percentage will still discount or reject it.  They will believe they own the higher truth.  

Let's play out what goes on in the minds of the defenders of the status quo.

3rd time they hear "We need a plan to reorganize."  They think: "She didn't actually mean that."

4th time they hear: "We need a plan to reorganize." They think: "Worked at her old company.  Won't work here.  Foolishness." 

5th time they hear: "We need a plan to reorganize." They think:  "I need to protect my customers and my people.  This is madness.  I will stall."   

6th time they hear: "We need a plan to reorganize."  They think: "If I just keep explaining my issues she'll begin to see it my way and change her mind."    

7th time they hear: "We need a plan to reorganize."  They think:  "It's me or her.  She'll back down.  She knows this place will fall apart without me."  

And so on...

What happened?  My friend stood on her head.  She spent a lot of time explaining her vision. She listened, and listened, and questioned, to get to a deeper understanding about their objections.  Finally, two of the stalwart defenders came around.  That was a victory because they are currently valuable members of the team, and in an ironic twist, probably more passionate about driving forward than the others.

(One did not.  He's no longer there.)     

Driving change that creates real transformation is hard.  You have to work to get people to a place where they embrace it and are prepared to champion it.  A few will never, ever arrive.  But when you make the extra effort to get their attention and get them to focus on the new perspective, they'll realize that while things may be upside down for a while, it could be refreshingly exciting.  

Pretty soon, if you can hold your balance in that position, they'll all be standing on their heads.

 

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Photos: 2012 Boston Chamber Pinnacle Awards

Photo Gallery - 2012 Greater Boston Chamber of Commerce Pinnacle Award Ceremony

Achievement in Entrepreneurship Award - Suzanne Bates

 

 

 

 

 

Click here for more photos from the awards ceremony.

The One-Minute Speech

Last week I gave a one-minute speech - an experience that I thought I should share.  The occassion was the Boston Chamber of Commerce Pinnacle Awards.  I was one of eight winners, mine for entrepreneurship.  It was a lovely event and I'm very grateful to the Chamber for the recognition not only for me, but mostly for our team.

Each of us was given one minute for our remarks.  I'm guessing that this may have prompted mixed reactions.  "Only a minute?" some of the winners probably thought with glee.  "I can do it in my sleep."  "Only a minute?" others were thinking, with a vague feeling of panic.

The caveat was that you were NOT supposed to use your time on stage to check off the list of people you wanted to thank. "Please send us a list of the people you want to acknowledge in writing, and we will print their names in the program.  Use your acceptance speech to share a piece of wisdom or advice."

This is a great idea for EVERY event.  Isn't it a bore when people get up there clutching awards and run out the clock tipping their hats to mom, dad, spouse, children, pets, colleagues, first-grade teachers, friends and mentors?  I don't mean winners should be ingrates, but for the audience, listening to an hour of thank yous is dull.  Look at the Academy Awards speeches every year.  The TEDIUM.    

So, the guidelines were a good idea, but...the pressure.  What to do with just one minute?

Well, several of the winners handled it beautifully.  They told stories from their careers; these stories were self-depracating, funny, and poignant.  Their moment on stage gave you a little insight about them.  At the end of this blog there are five lessons I learned from them.    

Before I get to that, let me share something about my own experience on the stage, and it's kinda personal.  

As you know my first book was called Speak Like a CEO, which means when I go up to give a talk, I have a feeling that audiences have a certain...well...expectation.  And honestly, I have to work at it just like everybody else.  

I started preparing a few weeks in advance and constructed an outline that I thought would work.  My plan was to share three "snapshots" I called them - from my life.  I started with one of my father.  As I told the audience, "It's a picture I never saw but had a profound impact on me... my dad with his sleeves rolled up, over a sink, washing pots and pans, one of four jobs that he worked to put himself through college and law school.  From him, I learned the value of a work ethic."  

The speech had two other "snapshots," from my life, peppered with a couple of quotes from famous people.  I frankly forgot humor.  Once up there, I had one line that kinda made people laugh but it wasn't planned.  And, I didn't really give it a chance to breathe.       

I did get many nice compliments.  The folks from the Chamber were really happy because I stuck to my one minute.

It was my husband who delivered a flash of the blinding obvious.  "Good," he said, but not my best.  Why?  "You weren't as conversational as you usually are," he explained.  I had to admit I probably overengineered it.  Every word planned, and famous quotes.  After I got over wanting to kill him, I realized he was 100% right.  I debated whether to tell you and decided I should.  

It's not easy to admit you didn't get an A plus from your spouse, which is precisely the point. You don't get that much honest feedback from anybody - including the people who love you. Most spouses, friends, confidantes, mentors and bosses are reluctant to go there.  "Who am I to judge?" They may think.  Or, "Hey, it isn't easy to get up in front of 1,000 people and say anything coherent!"    

So I'm fortunate to have a husband who is a big enough fan to be honest.  We all need someone like that.  And most of us don't have them.

This is why you hire a coach.  Our clients are always telling me how valuable coaching has been for them, far beyond their expectations.  They are pleasant surprised and incredibly grateful to feel they finally have a confidante.  A trusted advisor.  There is nothing in the world as powerful as having someone who has your best interest at heart, tells you what's working, and what isn't, and helps you become the best you can be.  A coach is there to help you be your best.

I guess I could lend out my husband, but I don't think he's up for that.  And anyway, our coaches are awesome.  

So now that I have that off my chest, here are a few "Do's and Don'ts" that I took away from watching the other good speeches this year.  If you ever have to give a one-minute speech, whether you are receiving an award, introducing another speaker, kicking off a panel discussion, opening a team meeting, closing a conference, these work.  Anytime you have limited time and want to make a powerful impression, these apply.

1.  Don't use all your time to thank people.  That's a bore.  Be interesting. 

2.  Do be conversational - act as if you're talking to one person over a cup of coffee. 

3.  Do tell a personal story - or a relevant story from the event - and make a point that will make your audiences nod their heads in agreement and feel good about being there.

4.  Don't overpack the talk with "stuff" like famous quotations from other people, which can make it sound over-engineered.  (My bad.)

5.  Do put in some humor and don't trip over the laugh lines when you're up there.  Let people laugh.

Cheers,

Suzanne

 

The Big Desk Theory

A couple of weeks ago (as I mentioned) we moved into a new office.  Since we wanted the space to reflect our Bates Communications brand, we trekked to the Boston Design Center to spend money and picked out fancy furniture including a new executive desk for me.  I've sat on the other side of a countless number of these, but until never had on of my own.    

 

I'ts gorgeous.  It's perfect.  And, I have to admit, it's also quite dangerous. 

First, it has the potential to change people's perception about you.  Suddenly you are a big desk person.  Yes, yes, etiquette demands getting up and moving to the couch when people come in, but it just isn't practical to leap up and move for every 57 second meeting.  

The greater danger in my humble opinion is that the big desk threatens the very scrappiness that got you there.  BBD (Before Big Desk) you worked really hard, and you still do.  But you may forget to work scrappy.  This quality you cultivated so carefully can slip away as you revel in the comfort of your well-appointed home-away-from-home.

Deep down you know that you need to stay scrappy.  The economy is improving but the last recession has changed business forever.  Our companies are more productive and efficient; we're tougher, but so is our competition.  Scrappiness is necessary to drive forward with a competitive edge.    

The big desk theory includes other potential dangers.  Big desks ward people away; they may not drop in and tell you stuff, so you may not get to weigh in on improtant matters.  In addition, the big desk creates physical and psychological distance.  People on the other side of the big desk think, "Gee, this (guy/gal) can't possibly understand what it's like to be me, fighting in the trenches every day."    

However, the most insidious danger of all is the inner mental battle of the big desk.  It's similar to the inner battle you must wage about sitting in meetings all day.  As I've often said to our executive clients, you need to let people know that meeting about things isn't doing them. Meeting about selling isn't selling.  Meeting about operations isn't operating.  Meeting about innovation isn't innovating.  

When you think about the desks you've had before you arrived, it's kind of fun.  My first desk was shared space - a formica top in a TV newsroom where dozens of burned out cigarettes stood like solders on every surface.   Ashtrays were regarded by reporters as unnecessary.

Some years later when I started my business I moved a scratched up, oversized writing desk into an 8 x 10 screened in porch we had converted to a home office.  Later when the business grew we got our first "real" office and I bought a pretty little glass top desk, but I rarely sat there.  My desk was wherever I was, in a hotel, on a plane, in the car.   

The other day I saw a picture of the $20MM Los Angeles home that Tom Brady and his wife, supermodel Giselle, just purchased.  It's drop-dead stunning.  But, you have to respectTom Brady, because in spite of his success, he trots out on that football field every week and fights as if he's a first-year quarterback trying to prove he's worthy of playing in the NFL.  

I wouldn't want to give up the big desk.  I like it.  But sitting behind one, you can't let it define you.  You have to cultivate the scrappy mindset.  Don't forget all those desks that got you to the point where you can sit behind that big one today.    

  

Why We Lie (In E-mail)

This morning I was scrolling through my inbox, trying my darndest to slay the e-mail dragon.  Answer the requests that have been sitting there for several days (or longer).  I felt ... dismayed.  What to say?  I scrolled by them again.  And that haunted me.  I would not be clearing my inbox today.

I prefer to get back to people promptly and clear it out.  It just doesn't always happen.  As  I searched my soul for why, the answer came to me.  In an email!  A report from The Harvard Daily Stat.

It turns out that we lie a lot - in email.  "People lie more in emails than face to face," according to researchers Mattitiyahu Zimbler and Robert S. Feldman of the University of Massachusetts.  It's common when the communicator is psychologically and physically distant from the person receiving the message.

They say everybody lies and I believe that's true.  Follow along with my thought process about why we lie more in our business e-mail and whether e-mail etiquette allows it.  

If you're the kind of person who doesn't want to lie, and you also hate to hurt people, you have a problem.  A request comes in.  You don't want to say yes.  In fact, you must say no. But you don't want to lie.

In the end, lying is easier.  And... it's so ... remote.

In e-mail you can craft a nice, easy, white lie.  Code for "no."  "I'm traveling non-stop this month."  "I will be offsite all week."  "We're going to be tied up for three months on this project."  You hope that people will just...get the hint.  Go away.  Forget.

Unfortunately some people don't get the hint. Bing, they're back in your inbox.  "What about next month?" You thought you were rid of them.  Now, you have to make another choice.   

• Ratchet up the lie beyond white lie to bald-faced.
• Tell the truth.  
• Ignore the email.

I ask you...which of these is easier?  Or, more acceptable?

As we try to keep our priorities straight and do what is important, we also don't want to be phony, or make people feel bad. The requests keep on comin'. So, sometimes we opt to live with a full inbox of requests.    

Sometimes I am honest.  Sometimes I'm not.  And that's the truth.  

Lunch is the hardest one for me.  Lunch comes in the middle of the day, in the middle of meetings, in the middle of the peak of my energy and productivity.  If you had lunch with everybody who wanted to have lunch you would go out of business.  I'm sorry but that's how it is.  

E-mail truly is is the great distancer.  It's just words in cyberspace.  Off it goes.  Then, delete!  And forget.  I don't feel bad all the time.  I really think sometimes people who make requests know the answer will be "no" and they want to give you an out, which is great.     

This isn't easy for me to write because I have a sneaky feeling that some people who are awaiting an answer are going to see themselves in this article, and I'm sorry.  

A few weeks ago Seth Godin, the marketing guru, wrote a great blog on how to say no.  The list included, "No I'm sorry, I won't be able to have lunch with you."  To that I would add: "No, I'm sorry I don't want to do that."  "No I'm sorry, that doesn't interest me."  "No, that will never be on my list of important things to do."  These are honest ways to say no.  

I just haven't found a way to actually say them.  Even in an e-mail. 

 

The Orange Wall

This week we're moving Bates Communications into a beautiful new office space.  I must say it's like Christmas in January. If you've ever built a home or done an extensive renovation, you know how exciting it is to see your vision taking shape.  Everything built out just the way you wanted it.

The journey from vision and reality is replete with a remarkable number of decisions. 167 shades of carpet, 26 variations of white marble flooring, 53 styles of kitchen faucets, 13 types of extra tall office doors.  We put our heads down, made our choices, and it was fairly painless.  Except for the orange accent walls.    

It was to be a bold statement.  One wall of each conference room, visible through the foyer glass.  A modern pop.  

The first pass was too ...rusty.  The second looked like... Home Depot orange.  Nothing against Home Depot... but we don't sell power drills.    

How to be bold!  It looked so fabulous in the designer magazine photo, our inspiration.  I was...PREDISPOSED to love it.  

We just needed to find the right shade.    

Each time I met with the construction manager to give him the verdict, he was nice, but he winced.  Reds!  You know how it is.  Another change order, another seven coats.  The bills were adding up.

I remained determined to love it.  Then the conference room furniture arrived.  I stared and stared.  It was simply awful.

I thought about leaving it up there.  Perhaps I was being too picky.  We'd get used it it.  Eventually. Maybe right artwork would dress it up.  

And then it hit me.  Switch or be sorry.  One more call.  Get out the paint wheel.  How about gray? We chose and, voila! Transformation.  Beautiful.  

What's the lesson?  We often see things the way we hoped they'd work out.  We walk past those horrible orange walls.  It was a good idea.  Put some flowers in the vase next to that decision.  Maybe it will improve.    

Somebody needs to have the courageous to say, "Hey guys, this ain't working."  Theoretically yes.  Really? It's time to repaint.   

Where are those orange walls in your business right now? Is everybody looking past them? Are they quietly saying, "Boy that's ugly," and doing nothing about it?  Time to get back in touch with your inner designer.  Give voice to the obvious.  Imagine how you'll feel when you get it just right.  

2012 - How to Make this Your Best Year Yet

I know that you probably just arrived in the office, coffee in hand, trying to shake off the cobwebs from the holidays.  What should you do first?

A few years ago I was inspired by an exercise called "My Best Year Yet."  The idea is to look at the important parts of your life - work, family, personal, and imagine what would make this year YOUR best ever.  Before you poo poo this as another resolution-ary workout that will be forgotten in a week, let me explain.  You don't look forward like a resolution.  You look backward as if it is already December 31st, 2012.

 

Imagine as you look at that date - that you and your team at work have achieved your goals. Your year has been a huge success.  Looking back, why was the year so successful?  What did you do to overcome the obstacles?  How did you break through the barriers?  What were the key steps you took?  What else did you do?  And, why did that work?  

And so on.

I strongly recommend that you close your eyes and reflect on each question.  Why?  It's absolutely amazing what happens when you clear your head and focus on what worked as if you've already done it. That's when you get this amazing clarity.  You don't see obstructions. You see actions.

Next, tell your team.  Better yet, have them do the exercise.   Get together for your first meeting and have them go through it with you.  I've done this and it is amazing how everyone sees the way they can leap over barriers, too.

What a great time to set a course for your best year yet. Before you get caught up in the minutae, look at that date - December 31st, 2012, and just imagine - it's done!  Close your eyes, ask the questions, jot down notes, and share it in an email.  Before you know it, it will be 2012, we'll all be wondering where the year went.    

Happy New Year,

Suzanne Bates

 

PS:  Many of you tell me that you pass along Thoughts for Tuesday to employees, friends and family.  Today, why not suggest they sign up to receive them in their own inbox?  All they have to do is go to our homepage - www.bates-communications.com  and give us a name and an email - nothing more.  It takes 15 seconds, and then, Thoughts for Tuesday can become a weekly part of their ongoing professional development.  

I'm committed to making this OUR best year yet, with relevant videos, tips and practical advice on moving your business and career forward.  As you know, we focus broadly on communication and leadership; the gap between thinking about strategy and getting things done.  We want to make this a vibrant part of the conversation you are having with your team.  Let me know if there are topics you'd like me to cover and I'll incorporate those in the mix. Thanks for reading and best wishes for a great 2012.   

Happy New Year

Another fresh new year is here...

Another year to live!

To banish worry, doubt and fear,

To love and laugh and give.

 

This bright new year is given me

To live each day with zest

To daily grow and try to be

My highest and my best.

 

I have the opportunity 

Once more to right some wrongs,

To pray for peace, to plant a tree,

And sing more joyful songs.

 

                 -William Arthur Ward